The Battery Shelf Life Scam

No Truth in Battery Advertising

I’ve been buying batteries that say “5 year Shelf Life,” and sometimes, “10 year Shelf Life,” but for the last 3 years since I’ve been keeping track, not one of these more expensive but not remotely living up to their hype batteries has lasted more than a year. Okay, the 10 year one lasted 14 months. Not even close to 10 years!

Maybe it’s not at the top of the list of things to be upset about, but maybe it’s one of the thousand cuts used to annoy us into rage. Of course there are far more impactful events to worry about in this post-covid plandemic world, but inflation is a significant problem. It’s rampant, and it’s one of those things that might not get big play in the news cycle, but let’s do some battery math.

The batteries in our smoke detectors don’t last even a year. Our ceilings are 10 feet tall, so it’s a pain to replace them. I decided to pay the extra and buy the 5 Year Shelf Life long lasting variety, hoping to not have to drag out my ladder for a little while.

Spoiler alert, the 5 Year batteries last on average 11 months in the smoke alarms in my house. The regular ones last almost as long. Average 10 and a half months. So then I tried one 10 Year battery, and it lasted 14 months.

Regular 9V batteries are generally about $2.50 and the 5 Year Shelf Life batteries are generally $4.25 and the 10 Year Shelf Life batteries are $6.50 or more. So all those 5 year batteries that only last a year or so are costing 41% more than the regular ones standardized to the same length of time. And the 10 year ones are costing 124% more. Outrageous!

So unless you love paying more for stuff that doesn’t do what it says it will do, I would avoid long life shelf batteries.

Maybe we need different batteries all together? Just a thought.

As an aside, I wonder why the smoke detectors always go out at night. I can’t remember a single time when the alarms went off in the day time.

But moving on, the long life batteries are way more expensive, and if they only last a year or so that’s 5 batteries a year just for the smoke alarms, and then there are the remotes for the stereo and the TV. And the gadgets in the kitchen, like the frother for our lattes. (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence!) And the cameras, and the doggie nail grinder. It begins to add up.

On top of that, just how are you going to go about getting the money back on these things that didn’t live up to their hype? It says they are guaranteed and to just send them in with proof of purchase for a refund.

So I started saving the spent batteries and documenting the dates and saving the receipts. But guess what? The receipts fade! By the time I have the batteries gathered up, the receipts are unreadable so there goes the proof. How convenient for them!

I wonder if they meant that the batteries would last that long before you put them in your device? Because they sure don’t last anywhere near the 5 or 10 years they claim. Is this just another twisted word nomenclature to get you to think they will last longer once they are inserted into their home? Home, as in the device they are meant to power. Shelf life is not really the same as use life. Maybe that’s how they escape warranty claims. That and the faded receipts.

I think it’s a conspiracy to rip some of our money away drip by drip using fake long shelf life batteries as bait.

But I won’t fall for it again and neither should you. Avoid long shelf life batteries! Just buy the regular ones and plan on dragging out your ladder every 10 months per smoke alarm. Modern life can be so cruel sometimes! Meanwhile, in a meta sense….we are part of the WABN now. Soooo…

Am I Just a Battery?

Lyrics:

Am I just am I just a battery?
Am I just am I just a battery?
Fuel to feed the fire for the economy
Am I just a battery?

Turn me on turn me off
Break me down break me off
Sell my parts to the highest bidder
Buy low sell high
Take it with me when I die
Tell the devil that I'm a winner.

Am I just am I just a battery?
Am I just am I just a battery?
Fuel to feed the fire for the economy
Am I just a battery?

What are you advertising?
What are you selling to me?
You look so hypnotizing
You look bright and shiny
What are you advertising?
What are you selling to me?
I guess this passes for living
In the new economy

Am I just am I just a battery?
Am I just am I just a battery?
Fuel to feed the fire for the economy
Are we just are we just

Songwriter: Silas Durocher

Am I Just a Battery? lyrics © Head Heart And Hips Music

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